When We all Just Can’t Get Along…

Every blended family is different. Unique. What works for your blended family might not necessarily work for the next, or vice versa. And that’s okay. I do believe there is one common factor amongst us all though. And that’s that the majority of us (or those that would even be reading this) want the same goal: To all just get along and co-parent effectively. Some families can do this off the bat. Others take time. And others never get there. Everyone likes to read and write about the situations with the happy endings. The rainbow and unicorn families. But what about the other side? What happens when we all just can’t get along?

Let’s face it. Sometimes you may find yourself in situations where you just can’t get there with another person. Not just in blended families but in life there are people who are “difficult” for you to deal with. I’m no expert in this field but I most definitely experienced my fair share of co-parenting with a difficult ex. I hope this post helps you find ways to cope when you find yourself in a situation where you’re dealing with a difficult co-parent.

1. You have no control over another person. Make peace with this statement. Make absolute and clear peace with it. No matter how hard you hope, wish, pray a person to change if that is not in their spirit they wont. Understand that and it’ll make everything else just  a little easier.

2. Change how you react. In my past I’ve learned that many times things escalated due to my own reactions. I soon learned that I don’t always have to have such a dramatic reaction or a reaction at all. Take things in stride. When the other person comes at you with nothing but accusations, finger pointing and negativity, you do NOT have to take active participation in the confrontation. Choose how you want to respond. Instead of being hype and defensive try cool and collected.

3. Don’t lose track of what’s important. In these situations the children are what matter most. Sure you can’t stand that your ex doesn’t call everyday. Or yes it gets on your nerves that the kids show up late each drop off. Choose your battles. If it’s not worth the fight, and the kids are happy, then the mission was accomplished.

4. It’s not your fault. I say this moreso for my personal life. Sometimes I get so frustrated at my circumstances that I start to blame myself. Afterall, the first thing I pointed out here was that you can’t control another person. Someone has to be at fault so that someone ends up being me. Feelings of guilt that I failed my son have burdened me far too often. Don’t do that. Do your best and keep it moving.

5. Count your blessings, not your problems. I wanted to scream this from the rooftops on Father’s Day but I held back. I seen so much negativity that it was easy to get caught up in it. To dwell on what’s not right in your life or family. That gets you nowhere. If you focus on negativity, that it what you will receive. Instead I focus on the positives and what I do have. THAT’S what important.

I hope this helps someone dealing with a tough co-parent. Like I said…I ain’t no expert! But, I live this so I’ll gladly share my experiences if someone else can gain from it.

Peace, Love & Blessings

~

Tyshia Shante
Founder & Editor of This Brown Queen

**Stay Connected! Follow me on Twitter @thisbrownqueen & Instagram @tyshia_shante**

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Happy Mother’s Day!

I’d like to start off by first saying a very Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers, stepmothers, godmothers, grandmothers, adopted mothers, honorary mothers…Today is YOUR day! Enjoy it to the very fullest.

For this brown queen, my day started off with breakfast in bed from the Mr. A sausage omelet and a green smoothie ;). Simple and exactly what I wanted. Then the princes came in and gave me hugs, cards, poems and lots of love. King Jr. had a card he “made” at daycare that was beyonddd cute!!

My presentsss: I love homemade gifts from my kids!

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One of the most notable moments this Mother’s Day though, was when my (step)daughter called me bright and early to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. AND her mother sent me a Happy Mother’s Day text….Ya’ll don’t hear me though. I am beyond excited that we have come so far in our blended family where our daughters mother can have her call me and they both wish me a Happy’s Mother’s Day. I wished her the same and let my oldest as well. I hope one day all families that are in situations like mine can come to a point like this. We are ALL mothers. We have the same struggles, the same joys, the same goal. To be as great mothers as we can be!

So, today I kick up my feet (for all of 5 minutes cuz this macaroni and cheese ain’t gonna bake itself…and no, I love my husband but we’re not letting him be in charge of that!), chill with my babies, and have dinner with the moms of my family. Wishing you all a very enjoyable Mother’s Day & God Bless!

Peace, Love, and Blessings!

~

This Brown Queen

Those Dreaded Words…

“We need to talk”. And no I’m not referring to your spouse telling you this. I’m talking about when “the other” (co parent) says this to your spouse.

In a blended family there are many issues. Some big, some small. Some reoccurring, some one and done. Inevitably you will always encounter SOMETHING. Generally this “something” that you encounter tends to fall right at the moment when you thought you had it all figured out. The kids have been getting along fine. The schedule seems to finally have found some normalcy. The payments are regular (or in some cases you’ve just accepted that they will never be). There hasn’t been a “disagreement” between the adults in weeks. Everything is cool. You think to yourself “I got this. I think I can do this.” And then there it is. The text, call, or email from the other that says “We need to talk”.

There’s this sinking feeling you get. Right in the pit of you’re stomach. WHAT NOW? Because as hard as you try to forget, as much as you don’t want to admit it, there is a whole entire other adult (in some cases adultS) that has the power to rock your entire foundation…if you let them. “We need to talk”. That means something happened. That means something has to change. That means something is going to be altered. That means I’m about to be irritated.

The best thing you can do in this event is, talk. I leave whatever it is up to my husband at first. I don’t have the energy all the time to deal with our daughter’s mother. Not that she’s a bad person. Not at all. She’s really nice. It’s just…I sometimes just don’t have the energy to do it. It’s hard because I love our daughter. Very much. She’s an important piece to our family. But I didn’t make her. I didn’t create her. I have my children that I actively took part in creating and I hold myself 1000% responsible for them. And if I “need to talk” to their other parent I do so. Whether that be my husband or the other. I do that. So when it comes to our daughter I first let my husband and her mother talk. Because that’s their job. I then cross my fingers, toes, arms, legs, and anything else I can I cross, and pray that this is not about to be a BIG DEAL and hope they can just figure it out on their own…

95% of the time it’s not like that. 95% of the time “We need to talk” is a big deal. My husband can’t figure it out on his own. And then it’s time for me to assume my position as Queen and do what Queens do. Even when I don’t want to. Even when I don’t have the energy.

*Sigh* It’s not all rainbows and unicorns. It’s life. But I’d pay GOOD money to never ever hear, see, or have to say the words “We need to talk” in life. Ever. GOOD money. Any takers?

~

This Brown Queen